Frustration

Sometimes I feel so clueless when it comes to diabetes. In this modern day and age it can be really frustrating realizing that even with my short history of studying diabetes I can know more about it than my husband's doctor. I read something on the internet about someone with type 1 and bring it up with my husband and quite often he says it doesn't apply to him or that his blood sugar doesn't react that way. Part of the reason is because he's not on a pump and most online type 1 diabetics are. But it's also just because diabetes acts a little different in everyone.

My mother in law worried about her son constantly as he grew up and he doesn't want me to be like that. But when I know so little of the disease and his Mom says one thing and he totally pushes away from it I'm not sure if I should worry or not. I don't want to be his mom at all. But I also realize he's a risk taker and it scares me not knowing if this is his inward push against the disease or a reality check.

I don't want diabetes to be the center of our lives, and it's not, but I also don't want to just ignore it and be clueless the rest of my life. Most importantly, I don't want it hurting his quality of life in the future. Balance... it's so hard sometimes when there is so little knowledge of it.

Pure Admiration

Sometimes it just amazes me how much people with type 1 diabetes can go through every day. How they can make a total turnaround of their life when they're diagnosed. How even as a child they become resiliant, bold, and mature when first diagnosed. My husband is one of those people that amazes me.

It amazes me how every day he gets up and takes his shot despite his life-long fear of needles. He can't even watch someone get a shot on T.V. without grimacing and turning away! But every day, twice a day, he pulls out his kit and goes at it - grimacing and pale. My husband is spontaneous and random but every day he grabs his kit before he goes anywhere, he checks his supplies to make sure he has plenty, he keeps carbs and sugars on hand constantly, he eats regular meals at regular times... and all he wants to do is throw down the kit and run and do everything and anything that doesn't keep him tied. He once told me that the thing he hates the most about diabetes is having to stop and think before he goes anywhere or does anything instead of just going... and he's afraid of needles so you know that means a lot! Even when his sugar goes low, he gets naseaus, and terrible headaches he goes on with life and just takes it in a stride trying to ignore the awful symptoms. And he does this every day.

Do you want to know what amazes me? Looking at my husband and watching him conquer life. That's why he's my Mr. Amazing and I promise to be at his side helping him keep this in check.

Blood sugar low or Newlywed?

My husband and I are newlyweds... in our six months of marriage we have totaled a car, been unemployed, bought an old car, bought a bike, found a new job, worked over time, searched for a house, and fit all (most) of our belongings in about 500 square feet.

Sometimes I don't know if the hard part is what we're going through, adjusting to each other, or one of us having a "low". Mr. Amazing has diabetes and I have a mix of slight hypoglycemia and a high metabolism. That means that we can get into a confusing spiraled conversation for 15 minute before we realize one of us is low... or not understanding... or low... or emotional (me)... or confused... You know how they get that glassy look and all the sudden in mid sentence of total confusion you see their eyebrows furrow and pause, "Hold on, my blood sugars low." It's rather funny if you were watching from the outside (and don't realize what it feels like;-)). So many times in our conversations I'm not sure if it's that I need to understand him better or if I need to understand the effects of wacky blood sugar better.

Married life is downright amazing and I absolutely love it since it includes my beloved Mr. Amazing. He is my best friend, my hero, and my heart all rolled up into one amazing man. I still have to admit that we're not perfect and there still are many things we are learning about each other every day. Sometimes I just wonder if half the confusion is the circumstances... or low blood sugar.;-)

My History with Diabetes

I first learned about Type 1 Diabetes at six years old when I went to stay overnight at my neighbor friend's house. Kelly got an insulin shot, we had dinner, Kelly's mom tested her blood sugar, and we each ate exactly 6 vanilla wafers before bed. I drank juice, Kelly had a diet coke. The rest of our two year friendship was a blur of barbies, dress up, and tree houses... but somehow that example of diabetes always stood out in my mind. To this day, when someone mentions diabetes I see flashes of pin pricks, glucose monitors, and Kelly's Mom counting carbs. I was always sympathetic to anyone living with it, but to me, diabetes was a memory and a mix of people's stories.

Then in August of 2006 I met him, a tall, broad shouldered, brown eyed man I'll call "Mr. Amazing". He was spontaneous, energetic, athletic, funny, helpful, chivalrous, and diabetic. I honestly don't remember when I found out he had diabetes, it was probably the first week. As he came over more often I started stocking up on diet rootbeer, reminding him to eat lunch, warning him when I made cookies, and even made a batch of sugar free chocolate covered strawberries. When we started dating I scoped out the internet to find blogs on Type 1 diabetes and get a better understanding of what he needed. I stored granola bars in my car and occassionally brought extra soda on hikes. I listened and asked questions ranging from "Is this number high?" to "Why don't you have an insulin pump?". By the time we got married 6 months ago I thought I had a good idea of what it was and how to help him control it. Then I woke up.

After six months of living with it, I've determined that diabetes can't be controlled. It can be helped, it can be monitored, but just when you think that the spanish cheesy rice can even out the fish his sugar plummets and leaves him nauseated with a bad headache for the rest of the night. The best meal in the world can't keep him from being off when he's coming down with the flue. My menu is a crazy combination of weekly sales and "What Mr. A needs". Some weeks it's wonderful and all he has to do is get a sip of carbs one day and it gets right back up... but other weeks he has the flue and his sugar is too high for him to eat anything.

Some people might find it hard to fit a stash of insulin supplies in a studio apartment, keep a constant supply of soda on hand, or fit more red meat in the menu when you were raised on vegetables but compared to the rest it's a cake walk. The hard part is when we're in the middle of a confusing conversation spiriling down to nowhere and I finally realize he just needs a soda. When I watch his face contort for a second as he takes his insulin shot and see another of his burning red marks (he hates needles). When I panic for a second realizing I forgot his sugar kit. When he lays on the bed all night struggling with nauseau and a horrible headache and tries to stay awake "So we can spend time together". When my strong athletic husband has his head in his hands and can barely talk because he gets low and I can tell he feels worse because it's in public. When he has the flue for a week and blood sugar problems just make it worse. When I look at his face and know he hates it and there's nothing he can do.

I know that he has been looking forward to a cure for the past 11 years, but sometimes I think I want it just as much as he does.